Why I Really, Really Hope Sarah Palin Runs in 2016

Palin-Face-e1386408032974Let’s be honest, Sarah Palin is the gift that just keeps on giving. Any time she throws herself into the middle of some sort of scandal and makes some bizarre comment to keep her book sales going, it’s like Santa Claus came to town if you’re a political writer or pundit. Palin is nothing short of a gold mine, regardless of your political affiliation. Why? Because every time she opens her mouth and says something outrageous or just plain stupid, people come out of the woodwork to either mock her or support whatever dumb idea she just had.

Caribou Barbie (as I like to call her) isn’t stupid. Making yourself the darling of the Tea Party after being a failed VP nominee and only serving 2 years as governor isn’t dumb – it takes a certain amount of strategic savvy. Getting hundreds of people to show up at a Minnesota mall, a Wal-Mart in Texas or a Barnes and Noble in The Villages, Florida to buy your latest book isn’t a sign of stupidity. It actually shows enough sense to know where you can constantly tap into xenophobia and ignorance and convert it into cash any time you need it. Even Fox News and Roger Ailes know that whenever they need a ratings bump, all they have to do is get her to come on and say something to get liberals all riled up while their ever-aging audience eats it up with a spoon.

Again, Sarah isn’t stupid. I wouldn’t say she’s a candidate for Mensa but then again, liberals need to stop referring to her as dumb because she’s anything but. I know showing up with a Big Gulp at a Republican conference or insisting that Obamacare is the modern version of sending your relatives off to die on an iceberg seems ludicrous, but it absolutely sells to the people who follow her. So why do I want her to run so badly? It’s simple. As I stated earlier, every time Sarah says something stupid, a political or comedy writer gets paid. There’s an entire industry out there that makes money whenever she or Ted Cruz or any of the others say something outrageous.

Trust me, the Republican Party has been a treasure trove over the last few years. I don’t see her making any serious move for running, even though my crazy Tea Party ex in-laws would be thrilled if she did. At the most, she’ll make a teasing tour of Iowa just to get the Tea Party faithful all fired up and their wallets open. It’ll be a few stops at a couple of gun ranges, several 7-Elevens, and all eight Sam’s Club locations to sign copies of her newest book. Then it’ll be back off to Fox News to complain about how the liberal media (that’s us!) were so harsh to her and how she needs to get back to family life.

But pretty please with a moose on top, Sarah will you please run? Or at least pretend to? How about just saying that you’re exploring your options? I know you know how to still do that wink and a hair flip. I’m sure you know how to say “you betcha” and give those old Tea Party patriots a sensation in their pantaloons they haven’t experienced since the last time you visited The Villages to sell another book. Come on Sarah, just once more. For old times sake?


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